THIS IS NOT DIETARY ADVICE, it is for entertainment purposes only. It’s a quick email I shot off to a good friend who is super serious about getting into “bikini shape.”
Some smarty pants folks will certainly contradict my advice, which is ok. Hopefully it’s not a troll proving a point or someone getting their rocks off by insulting me behind a wall of ambiguity on the internet.
The following is just my humble, but accurate opinion. Here goes…
MOST IMPORTANT RULE: Keep in close contact with me on this meal plan. This is NOT NEGOTIABLE. If I don’t know what’s going on, then I can’t help.
We might need to adjust workouts and/or food as your body changes. The total calories are good as well as the macro split. I’ve built in some room for error on your part; my part is good ;-).
You need to keep a food log (myFitnessPal is fine), but I want NOTES. Specifically: how you feel before your workout, after your workout, prior to bed time, waking up in the morning. You should feel GREAT at each of these points. Think of them as our KPIs for your well being and your body’s optimum functioning. If you’re not feeling great, then we need to adjust. You should never feel crappy unless you’re sick and you wont get sick because you’re a friggin machine… (I’m having fun with this. LOL)
…get used to eating before your workouts in the morning. After waking, you want to eat as soon as you can. You fasted all night and you know have to break that fasting period and get into the swing of things. That’s why it’s called Break-Fast.
Get your metabolism moving and allow your body the chance to fuel itself with glucose after you burn off glycogen. Currently you’re burning muscle by not eating prior to your morning workout. The old thought was “do cardio on an empty stomach and you’ll burn more fat…” bullshit! EAT!
Build in ONE DAY per week where you eat anything and everything you want for ONE MEAL. You should be stuffed! Then, pick a SECOND DAY per week where you eat at least 500 CALORIES EXTRA. Preferably these days are spread apart (for example Sunday for your cheat meal and Wednesday for your “extra carb day”).
Screw “no sodium.” Your body needs the right percentage of all four electrolytes: sodium, potassium, magnesium, and iodine. You are hurting yourself by restricting any one of them. DON’T over-hydrate. Drinking 2 gallons of water today is horrific and ridiculous. Your kidneys will over work like crazy and you’ll be asking for some serious heart issues because you’re washing out electrolytes. Want weird arrhythmia? Drink waaaaayyyy too much water and go on a no sodium diet. SMH.
Season your food with any herbs you want. No quantity restrictions. I don’t care. Use Pam spray or similar for coating the pan. Use real sugar if you want to sweeten something, but get used to not having any sweetener. Although artificial sweeteners have no caloric impact or impact on insulin, they keep you craving the sweet stuff… including MORE carbs. So… watch out. Better off with unsweetened iced tea, water and NATURAL real sweeteners like stevia.
Stay away from high fructose corn sweeteners at all costs. They are SUPER SWEET and get your body looking for sweet stuff like a pregnant crack whore on the streets of Harlem hunting for more smack.
There’s lots more, but in the end, make smart choices. Have fun and don’t commit suicide if you fall off your diet once in a while.
I hope you’ve been entertained.